ex talked to me last night, for a while.
"i can't find myself hating or disliking you"
T.T

after breaking him into pieces, he can still tell me this.
i am such a mean person.

elmo departure-return?

10 Dec, cloudy.

and as he depart from here this morning, my heart sank.

he did not even text me saying 'goodbye'.

honestly i am a bit disappointed.

maybe that is good too, that i know i am actually not that special to him.

bye elmo, till we meet again.

and hope we can still be friends :)

~*~*~

17 Dec, (:

there he was, standing at my door as i went over to see who knocked on it.
he's back!!!! for a day, to settle some stuffs.
and he asked if he can spend the night at my place.

that is a good night, a very good night.
that's the first time we sleep over on my bed, so i had a very good night sleep.
soon its time for another goodbye.
and this time, at least it ended with a kiss on my forehead, again.

i love people who kiss me on the forehead.
i wonder if that kiss on the forehead, means something.......

elmo..

this complicated relationship with elmo will be ending soon.
soon we will just be friends, friends separated by great distance.
no more flirting, no more hugging, no more cuddling, and no more random pecks on my forehead.

he will be leaving for studies elsewhere, while i'll be stuck in this sucky place trying my best to survive the stress.
and by the time he got back from the studies, i would have graduated and starting work, and i bet by then our frequency and priority in life would be quite different.

the moment i got to know he will be leaving this place soon, i'd prepared myself not to fall in love with this guy.
he asked me 'i don't know if i should get steady with you' before. and i just smile and say 'don't'.
yes he knew i just got off a ldr, so i bet he knows that i will not want another ldr.
plus, we knew each other for only a month, its too soon to 'go steady' now imo.

last night should be the last night we get to spend together.
its nice to sleep beside him, under the same quilt, feeling his warmth.
love his hugs, love his cuddles, love waking up beside an elmo face.

that morning, he said to me 'don't miss me too much. go and find a new guy for yourself.'
and i replied 'let me just concentrate to finish my studies, i'm not thinking about these stuffs'
in actual fact, i wish to tell him that 'if i am willing to wait for your return, will you still want to see me, as that (potential) special someone?'
i just don't have the guts to say these, and i want him to enjoy his time fully in the foreign land, and not being tied down to any obligation or commitment of sort.
and i regretted it.
never am i bold enough to ask him for a real date throughout this 4 weeks of knowing him, nor the courage to ask him 'will you miss me when you're gone?'

i will miss him for sure, actually i already am.
but i will get over him.
and move on.
that being said, seeing him not on msn, while knowing that he's in the room makes me kinda sad already.
i shall take it slowly, but surely.

life's like that.
some people just came in at the wrong time.
some people just doesn't attract you at all.
and when all i can do is to let someone whom i love, and love me go.
nothing describe this phase of life better than this three letter word, FML.........

better this way?

when your ex wrote something like this:

"I miss you so bad, how we used to hug and how we used to kiss. I miss every bad thing about you. But it's better this way."

it broke my heart again, that i had to let him go.

retroviral illness...

sempena World Aids Day, just sharing something related to that.

chance upon this young guy in the hospital the other day.
it is quite unusual to have people few years older than me in this part of the hospital.
so the kepo curious me went to find out more.
the moment i look at the diagnosis, i know it is caused by THAT disease.

yes he is tested positive for HIV.
and at that young age, all the opportunistic infection sets in.
no history of him taking any antiretroviral meds, making me wonder if he even know his status prior to this unplanned admission.

and yes, you've guessed it, he's an aj! (if not i won't even bother blogging right!)
and should he really do not know his status and goes around having fun with others the unsafe way, omg!
this is a small country and our community is a small community.
protect yourself and protect others too!

"togerther, we are greater than AIDS!"

cab driver

i am never someone who PDA-ed with anyone (outside a gay-friendly place), let alone a guy.
the most outrageous thing i ever did was probably kissing in the cinema, and that i just a peck on the lips, lasting not even 1 second.

so after a recent clubbing, i cabbed home with vjj. the first half of the route was still ok. we acted normally. but then he started talking about his ex, using the pronoun 'he'. after a while, he suddenly started to hold my hand, and asked if i want to stay over at his place for the night (which i politely said no).

maybe its the alcohol in both our systems, i was actually quite numb about that until now!

imagine you are the cab driver, what will you think! hmmmmmm......
i hope there won't be rumours like "uni students these days are getting more and more daring, holding hands in my car and sleeping over at random guys' place" spreading around. omg!

*suddenly i secretly hope the cab uncle don't understand english hurhur*

the surprise visit

i am not exactly used to having my doors knocked at at 2am! but somehow it did today!

i did not do anything wrong, i did not blast my music, and i don't think i sang that loudly to glee just now?

i did not expect to see elmo, the new friend of 3 weeks, at the door. he dropped by with a sandwich in hand. his dinner i suppose. so we just had a random chat while he ate his meal. nothing happened, just a random visit, to destress a bit i guess, since he was quite distracted by today's paper.

and before he left, a soft peck on my forehead he give me, with a comment, 'you smell good'.

its all smile on my face as i continue on with my work. :)

 to self: some people are better of as friends, at least friendship last longer than romantic relationship!

when did you choose to be, straight?

came across a good video:



if given a choice, will you CHOOSE to be gay?
honestly with all my heart, i won't. not even a second thought needed.
this road less traveled, is hard and emotionally draining.
what about you?

ok back to mugging. :(

for a start...

inspired by the many many blogs i read, i decided to start one of my own.
not that i've never blogged before, but this space is specially dedicated to this-other-part-of-me as it'll be too risky to post things from 'this-other-part-of-me' in my personal blog.
so welcome this-other-part-of-me to this blogsphere.
hope you guys enjoy reading my rants as much as i enjoy reading your post.
i will update as frequent, but no promise, as juggling between two blogs ain't an easy task. :X
till then, cheers :)