break-me-out!

inspired by this song, i am going to ask it now.

prepare the heart. may it be a good answer.

a picture of 4 guys and a girl...

an old picture put upon me, of me and four other close friends

we were not in the same class, but we were bonded in other activities outside classroom.
so we met up quite often for practices, meals etc.

this picture was taken about four years back, at a function.

looking back at this picture of 4 guys and a girl now, i couldn't help but to wonder about the irony when i finally found out that 3 out of 4 guys in that picture are gay!!!!!!!

totally did not expect i was surrounded by 'like-minded' people since sec school!
i wonder if life will be different should we out to each other when we are still together in sec school! hehe..

yes my gaydar kind of sensed that the other 2 are, but being a closeted person myself, i never dare to approach them.
i'm glad after so many years of 'acting' as if we love straight porn in front of each other, we can now freely discuss about hot hunks on the street :P

i miss them i miss them very very much (:

ex talked to me last night, for a while.
"i can't find myself hating or disliking you"
T.T

after breaking him into pieces, he can still tell me this.
i am such a mean person.

elmo departure-return?

10 Dec, cloudy.

and as he depart from here this morning, my heart sank.

he did not even text me saying 'goodbye'.

honestly i am a bit disappointed.

maybe that is good too, that i know i am actually not that special to him.

bye elmo, till we meet again.

and hope we can still be friends :)

~*~*~

17 Dec, (:

there he was, standing at my door as i went over to see who knocked on it.
he's back!!!! for a day, to settle some stuffs.
and he asked if he can spend the night at my place.

that is a good night, a very good night.
that's the first time we sleep over on my bed, so i had a very good night sleep.
soon its time for another goodbye.
and this time, at least it ended with a kiss on my forehead, again.

i love people who kiss me on the forehead.
i wonder if that kiss on the forehead, means something.......

elmo..

this complicated relationship with elmo will be ending soon.
soon we will just be friends, friends separated by great distance.
no more flirting, no more hugging, no more cuddling, and no more random pecks on my forehead.

he will be leaving for studies elsewhere, while i'll be stuck in this sucky place trying my best to survive the stress.
and by the time he got back from the studies, i would have graduated and starting work, and i bet by then our frequency and priority in life would be quite different.

the moment i got to know he will be leaving this place soon, i'd prepared myself not to fall in love with this guy.
he asked me 'i don't know if i should get steady with you' before. and i just smile and say 'don't'.
yes he knew i just got off a ldr, so i bet he knows that i will not want another ldr.
plus, we knew each other for only a month, its too soon to 'go steady' now imo.

last night should be the last night we get to spend together.
its nice to sleep beside him, under the same quilt, feeling his warmth.
love his hugs, love his cuddles, love waking up beside an elmo face.

that morning, he said to me 'don't miss me too much. go and find a new guy for yourself.'
and i replied 'let me just concentrate to finish my studies, i'm not thinking about these stuffs'
in actual fact, i wish to tell him that 'if i am willing to wait for your return, will you still want to see me, as that (potential) special someone?'
i just don't have the guts to say these, and i want him to enjoy his time fully in the foreign land, and not being tied down to any obligation or commitment of sort.
and i regretted it.
never am i bold enough to ask him for a real date throughout this 4 weeks of knowing him, nor the courage to ask him 'will you miss me when you're gone?'

i will miss him for sure, actually i already am.
but i will get over him.
and move on.
that being said, seeing him not on msn, while knowing that he's in the room makes me kinda sad already.
i shall take it slowly, but surely.

life's like that.
some people just came in at the wrong time.
some people just doesn't attract you at all.
and when all i can do is to let someone whom i love, and love me go.
nothing describe this phase of life better than this three letter word, FML.........

better this way?

when your ex wrote something like this:

"I miss you so bad, how we used to hug and how we used to kiss. I miss every bad thing about you. But it's better this way."

it broke my heart again, that i had to let him go.

retroviral illness...

sempena World Aids Day, just sharing something related to that.

chance upon this young guy in the hospital the other day.
it is quite unusual to have people few years older than me in this part of the hospital.
so the kepo curious me went to find out more.
the moment i look at the diagnosis, i know it is caused by THAT disease.

yes he is tested positive for HIV.
and at that young age, all the opportunistic infection sets in.
no history of him taking any antiretroviral meds, making me wonder if he even know his status prior to this unplanned admission.

and yes, you've guessed it, he's an aj! (if not i won't even bother blogging right!)
and should he really do not know his status and goes around having fun with others the unsafe way, omg!
this is a small country and our community is a small community.
protect yourself and protect others too!

"togerther, we are greater than AIDS!"